The Talk
by HopeCoppice
Summary: Ingrid takes it upon herself to explain the facts of unlife to her little brother. Vlad finds himself in need of advice from the most inconvenient person he could possibly need to talk to. Slash. Established B/V.
1. Chapter 1

**So I had to move back to an old computer and it just so happens to have this ridiculous slightly angsty slightly racy crack!fic on it. So I'm gonna upload it for you all. Might not be around much though because this computer is a bit broken too.**

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine.**

There was a knock at the door and Ingrid poked her head round it.  
"Vlad. I wanted to have a little chat." Well, that never meant anything good.

It soon became apparent that his sister had taken it upon herself to deliver 'The Talk'.  
"You see, Vlad, when two vampires love each other _very_ much... or just get really bored, or drunk, it doesn't really matter... they have a _special hug_. And that's where baby vampires come from. Now, you need to lea-" He cut her off.  
"Disgusting, Ingrid, _we_ are not talking about this." She laughed.  
"I just don't want my little brother to catch anything nasty. Who knows what diseases a vampire could pick up in, say, four hundred years?"

He glared at her.  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Ingrid shrugged and stood to leave.  
"Just don't get pregnant." Vlad rolled his eyes.  
"We did _do _Sex Ed at school, you know. I know men can't get pregnant."  
"_Breather_ sex ed, Vlad. Think about it. How many gay male vampires do you know? Enough to be sure?" He shook his head.  
"I'm not falling for it, Ingrid." She shrugged again.  
"Suit yourself. Name it after me."

When she'd gone, Vlad sat on his sofa, thinking. How many gay male vampires _did_ he know? Still, it made no sense for male vampires to produce offspring. It couldn't be possible. It's not like he was a _seahorse_... and why had Ingrid decided to give him this speech now, anyway? She knew about him and Bertrand, that much was clear. He and his tutor had been spending more and more time in the training room over the last few months, with no increase in the actual amount of training that happened. Moreover, the water bill, as Ingrid had remarked at breakfast the other day, had almost doubled, while the heating bills stayed the same.  
"Almost," she had added with a pointed look, "as if someone had been taking a lot of _cold showers_."

Still, Bertrand had been a perfect gentleman, letting Vlad set the pace of their relationship. The raciest they'd ever got was a sparring match in which the tutor mysteriously lost his shirt. And there was no way his sister could possibly be aware that he'd realised the next move was his to make, and had thought of little else in his few spare moments for the last fortnight. And yes, he had been taking a few more showers than usual.

There was no way a male vampire could get pregnant, he knew that. But Ingrid had got under his skin and now he had spent most of a week wondering if there was even the slightest chance that what she'd said was true. Now he decided to find out for certain, once and for all, before he lost any more sleep over it. It was beyond humiliating, however, that the only person he could ask was...  
"Bertrand. Have you got a moment? I wanted to ask you a few policy questions."

The tutor's eyes lit up as he followed Vlad to the training room and watched the younger vampire lock the door behind them.  
"Not a policy question then?" Something in the way Vlad shook his head caused his heart to sink.  
"Is something wrong?" His student sighed.  
"Male vampires can't get pregnant, right?" Bertrand almost laughed, but stopped himself just in time as he noticed Vlad's expression.  
"No. Who's been telling you that?"

Vlad cringed.  
"Ingrid gave me The Talk last week. I _knew_ she was messing with me. I'm such an idiot, I just... couldn't stop worrying about it, once she'd said it, and..." Bertrand's hand on his shoulder cut off his babbling.  
"It's understandable. Your sister can be quite manipulative. Why is it such an issue right now, though?" Vlad looked up at him, an expression of acute embarrassment on his face.  
"Well, because... you know... us. I didn't want to risk anything."

Bertrand's face softened.  
"Oh. You know we don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with." Vlad hastened to correct him.  
"It's not – I'm not uncomfortable – I think... I think I'm ready. I mean, with the water bill, and everything..." - he was babbling again, not the image he wanted to present –"I want to, Bertrand." There was a long moment, and Vlad began to get concerned. Why didn't he speak?  
"I don't."


	2. Chapter 2

**Second chapter. It's not a great fic, but I wrote it months ago so it's bound to be a bit rubbish. Hope you enjoy anyway.**

**Disclaimer: Not miine.**

Vlad's eyes widened. How had he not considered the possibility of rejection? Bertrand would go along with a lot of things for the sake of pleasing the Chosen One, he knew that, but even he had his limits. Was that what this was? Or did he find Vlad's forward behaviour repulsive? Did he think he was some kind of slut? A low voice cut across his thoughts, stilling his mind.

"I mean, I do... one day. But I don't think we're ready yet. Vlad, you're a teenager, you have these urges and they don't necessarily give you good advice. I don't want to take advantage of you any more than I already am, not until I'm sure this... what you feel... is real." The younger vampire's eyes remained resolutely glued to the floor.  
"And what do _you _feel, Bertrand? Tell me the truth." He stopped just short of making it an order, but the thought hung in the air for a moment, refusing to go unacknowledged.  
"I need you. That's why I can't mess this up. I can't let you do something you'll regret later." His hand appeared under Vlad's chin, gently lifting his face to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Vlad studied him for a few seconds before looking away, pointedly refusing to hold eye contact.  
"You think I don't know what I'm doing." Bertrand sighed.  
"I think _I_ don't know what _I'm_ doing. I've never had someone like you. I spent four centuries alone and now you're asking me to risk ruining the best thing I've ever tasted."

The Chosen One glanced up, hardly daring to believe what he'd just heard but not entirely appeased by it.  
"So you're worried that, what, I'll use you and leave you? Or... that I won't be good enough for you?" That had to be it. Of course Bertrand would want to cling to the_ idea_ of being close to the Grand High Vampire, not have the illusion ruined by an inept teenage lover.  
"Is that really how little you think of me? That I'd ca- wait. No, we always do this." Bertrand seemed frustrated, whirling around to pace across the training room, and Vlad thought it might be wise to wait for him to elaborate.

Eventually, the older vampire turned back to his student, expression tortured.  
"Every time we talk, we both start taking everything out of context, twisting it so it hurts more. You must know I don't think you haven't thought this through, and I hope you know I'd never just leave you or reject you over something as stupid as this."  
"So now you're calling me stupid?" Bertrand looked as if he was about to explode until he noticed the small smile playing about Vlad's lips.  
"Not funny, Vlad." But all the tension seemed to have rushed out of the room somehow. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"It's not me, it's you?" Vlad's smile faltered slightly as he realised how that had sounded. "I mean... I didn't mean that, I just meant-" His tutor cut him off.  
"No, it _is_ me. I just need to be sure I won't lose you, that's why I don't want to risk any-" It was Bertrand's turn to be interrupted as Vlad threw himself forward, his lips meeting the older vampire's as they both stumbled a couple of steps across the room.

It was some minutes later that Bertrand spoke again.  
"I'm serious, though. We both need to take things less personally." Vlad rolled his eyes. He'd like to take Bertrand _very_ personally... but that could wait.  
"Deal. Now where were we...? Oh, yeah." He kissed him again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Fair warning, there's some almost-swearing in this chapter. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Not miiine.**

"Bertrand?" Vlad sounded thoughtful. They'd just been sitting together on the floor of the training room, leaning against the wall and reading old lawbooks, when he'd started fidgeting, as if there was something on his mind. Bertrand suspected it wasn't an ancient vampire bylaw.  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you... I mean, are you even interested in sex? Not just with me, I mean. With anyone. 'Cos I know some people aren't and that's-" Bertrand closed his book, frowning in concern.  
"I thought we were waiting." Vlad sighed, closing his own volume and cursing inwardly as he realised he'd have to find his place again later.  
"I know. We are. I just... I just wondered. In case you just didn't want to tell me."  
"...Yeah. I'm interested." Bertrand hesitated for a moment. "I've done it before."

Vlad almost laughed at how worried he looked. He knew Bertrand had been around for a few centuries; he wasn't worried that he'd probably been... intimate with people before. Except that he had a sneaking suspicion intimacy hadn't entered into it. Bertrand wasn't usually like that.  
"Course." He did chuckle then, a little awkwardly. "Good, at least one of us has a clue."  
"You don't mind?"  
"Why would I?" Bertrand reached out and pulled him closer, trying not to show how relieved he felt. Vlad understood that it had worried him, though, perhaps for all the weeks it had been since they'd had that first discussion of, well, the water bill. He squeezed his tutor's hand and picked up his book, flicking through in search of his page. When he'd found it, he set it carefully aside again.

"Bertrand?" The older vampire closed his own text once more. Vlad wondered for a moment how he always found his place so quickly, but then he supposed Bertrand had read it before; it probably didn't matter too much where he started re-reading it from. "Can I ask you something personal?"  
"You can, but depending what it is, I'm not promising answers." They both knew Vlad could demand the truth if he wanted, but he wouldn't. At least, not unless it was desperately important.  
"How... I mean... What do you like?" Bertrand frowned. That didn't seem too personal.  
"I'm fond of reading... and fenci-"  
"I meant, you know. When... _you know what I mean, _Bertrand."  
"If you can't even talk about it, I'm glad we're waiting." Vlad glared at him. Bertrand, Lord of the Glare, was completely unaffected.

"What... do you like... in bed?" Bertrand raised an eyebrow.  
"That _is_ a personal question." Vlad let out a strangled little noise of frustration and he hastened to continue. "But I suppose it's a fair one. You want to know what to expect, if we..."  
"When." Vlad nodded. "Yeah." A sly smirk tugged at the corners of Bertrand's mouth and he reached over to push the books away from them, leaning very close to Vlad.  
"Or are you just asking me to tell you what I'd like to do with you?"

If Vlad had been a breather, he'd have blushed. As it was, he swallowed hard before turning to meet his tutor's eyes.  
"Maybe, yeah." Bertrand's tongue swiped across his bottom lip, his eyes darkening... but then he closed them.  
"I wouldn't know where to start." He seemed as surprised as Vlad was by the quiet admission. "I really wouldn't."  
Vlad kissed him, trailing his mouth across from his tutor's lips to his ear and then slowly downwards, kissing as he went. Bertrand's entire body tensed as he reached the point where his pulse would have been and Vlad paused, curious. He shifted slightly, making himself more comfortable – never mind that he was more or less straddling Bertrand's lap in the process – and pressed his lips against that cold skin again.

Bertrand _moaned_ – actually moaned – and Vlad smirked wickedly.  
"Do you-" Kiss. "have some sort-" Kiss. "of neck-" He ran his tongue up the side of Bertrand's throat and watched him shiver. "fetish?" He began nibbling gently as Bertrand struggled to reply.  
"No- I... wouldn't call it- Vlad, that's... distracting."  
"Kind of the point," Vlad murmured, mouth still dangerously close to Bertrand's neck. "but if you want me to stop..." Bertrand wriggled a little until he could claim Vlad's lips again. Vlad let him, for a minute, but then he pulled back. "I quite like having all this power." He tilted his head back down, letting his lips just lightly brush the skin, making Bertrand gasp uselessly. "_Now_ do you know where to start?"

Bertrand's hands flew up to rest on Vlad's hips, though whether to hold him close or just hold him still neither of them were sure.  
"What do you mean?" He was half out of his mind; Vlad was never like this, so deliberately seductive.  
"Tell me what you'd do." The words were accompanied by a sharp nip to the top of Bertrand's neck, and he answered without even thinking about it, the words rushing out almost on top of one another.  
"I'd let you do anything you wanted to me." Vlad paused in his attentions before using his tongue to soothe the skin he'd bitten.  
"Anything?" He pulled away, eyes seeking Bertrand's. He found them wide with fear and dark with lust, confusion obvious on the other vampire's face.  
"Yes." He frowned as his sense began to return. "Yes. That's... new."

Vlad smirked at him, then glanced down; he was still sitting in Bertrand's lap and that just didn't seem quite fair, given their decision not to do anything. He tried to slip quietly off of him but the accidental friction between them made him let out a startled grunt.  
"Fuuu..." He bit his own lip, Bertrand staring at him in barely-concealed desire. Very slowly, Bertrand reached out to touch Vlad's face, then carefully picked up his book again and stared at it. Vlad retrieved his own, but he didn't even bother pretending to turn the pages. There was no way he could concentrate after that.

After a few minutes, Bertrand spoke.  
"Well, now you know my fatal weakness."


	4. Chapter 4

**Probably the last chapter - this is where I stopped writing and it seems a fair place to leave off. Hope you've enjoyed!**

**Disclaimer: Not miiiine.**

They were studying in the training room again, a week later, when Bertrand suddenly stood, walking over to the door and locking it. Vlad raised an eyebrow.  
"Am I about to be yelled at or are you just getting territorial again?" Something about the serious way Bertrand was regarding him made him uneasy. "What's wrong?"  
"I have something for you." Vlad's stomach churned; he hated surprise gifts. They had a tendency to zap him and foist responsibility on him.  
"It had better not... a bookmark?" He followed the line of Bertrand's arm up from the small piece of leather he was holding out. "You're giving me a bookmark."  
"Yes."  
"It's not made of old vampire?"  
"No."  
"It's not the official bookmark of the Chosen One?"  
"No."  
"No special powers or dangers attached?"  
"No."

Vlad took the bookmark and stared at it for a moment.  
"Thanks. But... why are you giving me a bookmark?"  
"So you won't lose your place when we need to talk." Vlad slipped the gift into the book he was reading and looked up.  
"So why now?"  
"We need to talk." He closed the book with a sigh and stood, trying to bring himself as close as possible to Bertrand's level. Had Bertrand realised he didn't want to be with him after all? Or decided that as his tutor, he needed to maintain some distance between them?  
"OK. Let's talk."

Bertrand didn't move for a moment, didn't even blink, and when he did there was no talking involved at all. He simply wrapped his arms around Vlad and kissed him, somewhat carefully, as if he thought he might break the boy. Vlad knew how to break him out of that now, though, and rested a hand at the side of his neck, stroking gently with his thumb. As he'd expected, Bertrand relaxed, his kisses becoming more fiery as he backed Vlad up against the wall for support. Then, as suddenly as the kiss had started, it was over and Bertrand was standing close, looking frustrated with himself.

"That's not how I expected breaking up to go."  
"Breaking up?" Bertrand's frustration turned into confusion. "Is that what you think I want to say?"  
"Isn't it?"  
"Vlad, I want... I want to revisit our conversation from a while ago. When we agreed to wait."  
"_You_ started kissing me, you can't blame me for teasing you-"  
"Do you still want to... not wait?" Suddenly Vlad understood what Bertrand was trying to say.  
"Oh. _Yes_. I mean, if you want-" He was prevented from finishing his sentence by Bertrand pressing him against the wall again, channelling everything he'd ever felt into the kiss for fear he'd explode if he didn't. When he pulled back, both of their eyes were almost black with desire. "...You want."  
"Yes."  
"What's changed?" Bertrand moaned slightly as Vlad ran a hand through his hair.  
"Even my self-control has its limits."  
"So... we're done waiting?" His voice was soft in Bertrand's ear, and Bertrand wondered where he'd learnt to be so _sexy_.  
"Done waiting." He repeated stupidly, but it was confirmation enough for Vlad, who kissed him again, pulling him so their bodies were flush against each other.

"Dinner is served!" Renfield's voice outside the locked door effectively killed the moment and they broke apart guiltily, but then Vlad gave his tutor an awkward smile.  
"Later?"

The word had never been so full of promise.


End file.
